Day 316

a lot has happened but since no one reads here, i didnt write anything.

Weeks ago he was super drunk, he called and told me to leave him, that he is a liar and i should just run away from him. That all he said to me was lies. I, died a little that day.

When he woke up, he said he remembers everything and he meant that he had made out with girls. I asked him to define making out and he said long and deep kissing. I forgot him. I dont blame him, this is hard for him. 

Weeks later, he was sad again. Same old discussion, and i told him what do you want me to do? Do you want me to let you sleep with girls? He said unfortunately yes. I didn’t expect that!! But i agreed. If it meant him being happy.

57 hours ago, he said he wants to break up with me. I had just woke up, i was really stressed out. I had class, and i had a presentation and later that night was my cousins pre wedding party and i had to go to the air port to say goodbye to my sister in law. And he broke up with me. He said that though we both are trying so hard, something is missing. And that its not because of a girl, though the thought started because of a girl. That he still wants me and if i go there after 3 years i will still be his first choice but he just cant cheat on me and he sees my face in every girls face and he cant do that to me.

This doesn’t mean he is leaving me but he just wants to pause it and needs some silence.

So, i had to hold back my tears. I had to get ready, i had to suppress my emotions and it kind of stuck. i went to the class, sat in the last row in the corner, with a blank mind, and didn present anything. I didnt go to the party either. I was blank. Not even cried. Im still blank. Im not sad, im not happy, im just blank.

I know that im breaking deep inside, i know that im dying little by little, and i know there’s nothing i can do about it. I gave him space, but if he doesn’t come back, i wont ever get into a relationship, i will never love again. And im gonna stay blank. I dont know if i like this or not, but at least it lets me go on with my everyday life. Im not obsessed with his instagram. I wake up in the morning, he says are you ok? And i say idk are you? And he says yes. And i reply good. 

Then i sleep again. And when i wake up, i watch tv shows or study a little, and sleep again until the next day comes. 

I still love him, i still want him back. And i will never stop.

Dont be too late love.

Day 229

I dont know what to think or what to do. Everything was alright again until last night. He said those things again. That he is afraid, that what if 4 years from now he is not as passionate as now? What if he cant enjoy life as much as he can now?

I asked him again if there’s any solution to his problem but he wouldnt say. I even told him if he wants a gf or he simply wants to break up but he said no.

He is taking me for granted. No one can possibly put up with his shit. But i do because i love him. Though my friends told me that im making a mistake. That he is not worth it and i can do much much better with someone who knows how special i am. But my heart wants what it wants. 

Maybe someday, he realizes the mistakes he is making. Is it really worth it though? Are these fun moments worth my heart breaking?

I just wished that he would respect me more. Acknowledge me more. Value me more.

But what can i say? This was my choice and i may be regretting it.

I asked him what if in 4 years we couldnt be together? Would you hate me? He answered no but i would be disappointed in myself. I asked i dont want you to be sad and he said well, we are in this now and no way to turn around.

I hated that answer. It made me feel like i have a commitment and i hate it when they force it to me.

He thinks he is the only one sacrificing. But really, is he sacrificing anything to be with me? I mean, he has asked me to give him permission to go out with other girls. He is still smoking stuff and he has not told anyone about me so, is he really?

But i am sacrificing everything! Almost everyone knows about him, i decline marriage offers and i literally do anything for him.

And in the end, he is the one that needs to go out and get some fresh air and wont msg me for a while. Funny huh?

I dont know, im beginning to question our future together . Do i really want to be with this kind of man? 

Im so sad, deep within im truly depressed and he really has no idea, surprise surprise! Its like someone has grabbed my heart and is squeezing the feelings out of it. I feel so numb. He still is not responding though. The hell with me, right?

Day 206

I cant understand him. Sometimes he is so loving and caring, sometimes he barely answers me.

Last night he was really romantic and liked my jealousy over girls around him. Today when he told me last night while he was partying there was girls flirting with him, i reacted. And he did not like it. He was all like: what was I supposed to do?

And i kept telling myself... come on girl. Tell him. But i couldnt. I wont tell him that all it takes is to just announce that you are in a relationship. I wont tell him that i want to be acknowledged more than anything...

He hurt his knee. I was telling him what to do and noticed he responds with a long delay. I told him that im gonna take a shower bye. And he didnt respond. When i got out of shower, i saw his story. He was on a field. Lol. So much for listening!

I feel like im just there for his lonely times. For when no one is around and he needs to be loved. Other than that, i dont exist in his world. I hate admitting these but some of his actions really break my heart. As if they build up scars on my heart. And i dont know how long im going to last.

The persistent thought of him being with other girls, and him wanting it and admitting it, is really tiring. Sometimes he looks calm but there’s a sadness in his eyes and i wonder if he had slept with someone and now he feels guilty. Im so sad. I just might cry. But like most of the time, he wont know, or notice...

I have this feeling that he is going to ditch me for another, sooner or later. 

..............….........

He said i talk to you when ever i have time. Wrong answer. I always make time for you so we can talk. In the middle of my class, in the middle of studying or eating, even the night of an important exam. :)

Day 194

his caption was: i want to break free from your love !!!

I asked him if it was true and he said no its just a song playing in my head. I told him why dont you keep acting like i dont exist?

Well, his answer made me cry ! He said because i dont feel safe and i dont know if i can keep up with this until you come here. “Do you want to go?” I asked and he said no i cant and dont want to let you go.

He sent a picture of his chest and said this will always be your place i promise. 

I told him how can you be so sure when you dont even trust our relationship and dont feel safe?

He didnt respond.

Honestly, i dont know if this relationship will workout or not. If you had ask me an hour ago I would’ve said definitely! But now? He is clearly looking for a new relationship. I feel like im here to keep him company and he will leave as soon as he finds someone near.

This hurts so bad. But i know one thing for sure. No one can love him like i do. No one cares about him like i do. No one is ready to do anything for him like i am...

Day 191

i dont know what to do. He feels really lonely, he is really sad. There is nothing i can do about it. He wants his family, he wants his home and his friends. And all i can do is talk and it doesnt seem like a big help.

He told me tonight that he is angry at everyone today. I told him do you want to call? And he said no. I dont feel like talking to anyone.

Maybe i have to let him go. Maybe i should tell him to find a girlfriend in his city. Maybe i have to...

I dont know what to do...

Day 176

well, yesterday was valentines day. He was so worried and sad that he couldnt buy me anything and i assured him that I absolutely don’t care about gifts.

But i was expecting an instagram story at least, you know! This is our first valentine...

But nothing. Im really disappointed. All he did was post a story about a gym couples valentine and tag my name in it, but like so small that no one can see. I dont care if its small, but i thought he would post something more romantic...

I didnt post anything because i wanted to see what he would do first and...i just... :(

Im still madly in love tho...

Day 171

he loves me. Im sure of it. They way he worries, the way he cares, the way i can tell him anything and he will still love me... they all prove how much he cares.

But im having bad thoughts again. It started suddenly. What if someone got close to him and made him fall in love? I told him, he assured me this wont happen.

But what if it does? I cant picture myself with anyone else. I hope im wrong. I hate these thoughts. He is my one and only...

Day 163

do not forget that i will love you forever...

He tells me every day :)

Day 162

he is on a work trip, i miss him :( we dont get to talk much :(

Day 161

A year since we got close, almost a year since we got together, almost 6months since we met...

And not a day i felt less in love than yesterday ^-^