Day 316

a lot has happened but since no one reads here, i didnt write anything.

Weeks ago he was super drunk, he called and told me to leave him, that he is a liar and i should just run away from him. That all he said to me was lies. I, died a little that day.

When he woke up, he said he remembers everything and he meant that he had made out with girls. I asked him to define making out and he said long and deep kissing. I forgot him. I dont blame him, this is hard for him. 

Weeks later, he was sad again. Same old discussion, and i told him what do you want me to do? Do you want me to let you sleep with girls? He said unfortunately yes. I didn’t expect that!! But i agreed. If it meant him being happy.

57 hours ago, he said he wants to break up with me. I had just woke up, i was really stressed out. I had class, and i had a presentation and later that night was my cousins pre wedding party and i had to go to the air port to say goodbye to my sister in law. And he broke up with me. He said that though we both are trying so hard, something is missing. And that its not because of a girl, though the thought started because of a girl. That he still wants me and if i go there after 3 years i will still be his first choice but he just cant cheat on me and he sees my face in every girls face and he cant do that to me.

This doesn’t mean he is leaving me but he just wants to pause it and needs some silence.

So, i had to hold back my tears. I had to get ready, i had to suppress my emotions and it kind of stuck. i went to the class, sat in the last row in the corner, with a blank mind, and didn present anything. I didnt go to the party either. I was blank. Not even cried. Im still blank. Im not sad, im not happy, im just blank.

I know that im breaking deep inside, i know that im dying little by little, and i know there’s nothing i can do about it. I gave him space, but if he doesn’t come back, i wont ever get into a relationship, i will never love again. And im gonna stay blank. I dont know if i like this or not, but at least it lets me go on with my everyday life. Im not obsessed with his instagram. I wake up in the morning, he says are you ok? And i say idk are you? And he says yes. And i reply good. 

Then i sleep again. And when i wake up, i watch tv shows or study a little, and sleep again until the next day comes. 

I still love him, i still want him back. And i will never stop.

Dont be too late love.