Day 206

I cant understand him. Sometimes he is so loving and caring, sometimes he barely answers me.

Last night he was really romantic and liked my jealousy over girls around him. Today when he told me last night while he was partying there was girls flirting with him, i reacted. And he did not like it. He was all like: what was I supposed to do?

And i kept telling myself... come on girl. Tell him. But i couldnt. I wont tell him that all it takes is to just announce that you are in a relationship. I wont tell him that i want to be acknowledged more than anything...

He hurt his knee. I was telling him what to do and noticed he responds with a long delay. I told him that im gonna take a shower bye. And he didnt respond. When i got out of shower, i saw his story. He was on a field. Lol. So much for listening!

I feel like im just there for his lonely times. For when no one is around and he needs to be loved. Other than that, i dont exist in his world. I hate admitting these but some of his actions really break my heart. As if they build up scars on my heart. And i dont know how long im going to last.

The persistent thought of him being with other girls, and him wanting it and admitting it, is really tiring. Sometimes he looks calm but there’s a sadness in his eyes and i wonder if he had slept with someone and now he feels guilty. Im so sad. I just might cry. But like most of the time, he wont know, or notice...

I have this feeling that he is going to ditch me for another, sooner or later. 

..............….........

He said i talk to you when ever i have time. Wrong answer. I always make time for you so we can talk. In the middle of my class, in the middle of studying or eating, even the night of an important exam. :)

Day 194

his caption was: i want to break free from your love !!!

I asked him if it was true and he said no its just a song playing in my head. I told him why dont you keep acting like i dont exist?

Well, his answer made me cry ! He said because i dont feel safe and i dont know if i can keep up with this until you come here. “Do you want to go?” I asked and he said no i cant and dont want to let you go.

He sent a picture of his chest and said this will always be your place i promise. 

I told him how can you be so sure when you dont even trust our relationship and dont feel safe?

He didnt respond.

Honestly, i dont know if this relationship will workout or not. If you had ask me an hour ago I would’ve said definitely! But now? He is clearly looking for a new relationship. I feel like im here to keep him company and he will leave as soon as he finds someone near.

This hurts so bad. But i know one thing for sure. No one can love him like i do. No one cares about him like i do. No one is ready to do anything for him like i am...

Day 191

i dont know what to do. He feels really lonely, he is really sad. There is nothing i can do about it. He wants his family, he wants his home and his friends. And all i can do is talk and it doesnt seem like a big help.

He told me tonight that he is angry at everyone today. I told him do you want to call? And he said no. I dont feel like talking to anyone.

Maybe i have to let him go. Maybe i should tell him to find a girlfriend in his city. Maybe i have to...

I dont know what to do...